Excuse me, your crazy is showing...

Well apparently the crazies have gotten a hold of the phones again today. I'm guessing whoever's job it is to is supervise them, must have stepped out for smoke break thus leaving them unattended long enough to make phone calls.

Sensing a moment of freedom they must have all banded together through some sort of Special Secret Crazy People Network (SSCPN), and decided it would be a good idea to phone up my work and drive me insane. All in one day!

I do love my job, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I miss talking to the animals. Unlike their owners they don't talk back. All they ask is for a little love and attention.

They don't act like you should be able to read their mind, and then get mad at you when you ask a very simple but important question.

They don't call up to complain or accuse you of trying to rip them off when you try in vain to explain the reason why little fluffy who hasn't been examined in 5 years, needs to see the doctor before they prescribe any medication (yes heartworm and worm medication is a prescription), because believe it or not it's against the law not to.

They don't yell at you when the doctor is running late, or when things aren't going exactly the way they want, and then turn on the charm extra bright when the doctor walks in like nothing was the matter. Bastards.

Oops was that out loud?


In short, they aren't rude or yell or get angry. Well not intentionally anyway. Sometimes they get all freaky on you, but that's only out of fear. You really can't blame them or get mad.

Only a few times have I ever had an animal freak the fuck out on me.

A few special episodes of cats flying around the exam room teeth and claws a gleaming the second you lay a hand on them. Little feline whirling dervishes, bouncing off the walls, hissing and spitting ready to take on the unlucky soul who's job it is to capture them which would be me of course.


When they finally calm down it looks like a tornado had come by, because during their little flight of fury they somehow managed to knock over every item that wasn't bolted down, including the computer.

But before these unfortunate incidents happened I swear the cats all looked just like this,



Then there was the bunny that attempted suicide by springing off the exam table out of it's owners arms only to hit the wall with a loud thud and then fall to the floor, somewhat dazed but amazingly unharmed.

Oh and how can I forget the ginormous dog little 'ol me was trying to restrain on a treatment table when he suddenly reared up and hit me square in the jaw, hard enough to throw me against the wall and damn near giving me a concussion. The best part was that he caused the doctor to miss his target while trying to give an injection and ended up squirting me in the eye instead.

This was in the days before I wore glasses on a regular basis. And it is precisely why I won't switch to contacts. I like having my own little safety goggles and trust me I've had plenty of things squirted in my eyes (at work. I know what you're thinking) which reminds me of the time....

I was holding the back legs of another ginormous dog for an ultrasound, when he abruptly reached out and kicked me, thrusting his very dirty paws straight into my mouth. I wouldn't have been too concerned ( I know gross huh?) had I not just seen him moments before dancing in his urine.

Even then, I wouldn't have freaked out like I did, had it not been for the fact the he had a very dangerous, potentially fatal disease that can be transferred to humans. How is it transferred? By urine of course.

What did I do? Naturally I washed my mouth out with the Vodka we keep on hand for the antifreeze pets.




You know cause it's alcohol and alcohol disinfects right?

Honest. That's what they told me to do.

Incidentally pets that have antifreeze poisoning get a vodka IV for like 2 days straight. Yep they are feeling pretty good.


Then there was the time, the dog I was restraining, decided he was through with the procedure even if we weren't, and tried to leave the table, just at the precise moment the doctor was about to stick a needle in him to get a sample, but ended up biopsying my hand instead.

But my favorite by far, was a little tiny 4 pound one of these,




that had me and the male doctor I was working with backed up against the wall of the exam room absolutely terrified, because he was very definitely trying to kill us. Even at the time I had to laugh at the absurdity of it.

Ah good times.. Come to think of it I quite miss working with the little buggers, even if they are trying to kill me.

Honestly, I'd take them over the crazies any day. That says a lot don't you think?

Getting your legs wet...

I've had a question rattling around in my head all week, and I need some answers. Naturally I thought of you, my faithful reader. Dare I say readers?

Perhaps you can help me figure out just what the heck was going on.

Here's what happened...

On Easter my husband and I went for a walk in the woods while we were waiting to go to my parents house for dinner.

Seeing as it was a hot day, we decided to go to another park, to get our legs wet in the creek.

The park of course was full of people having picnics and BBQing. We eventually found an empty area near the creek and proceeded to go in.

However, once we set foot in the water, we noticed something strange. Two thick white wires were attached to the shore. One tied to a tree and the other tied to some root. They were about 4 feet away from each other.

This was strange. It looked like some kind of booby trap to me. Like if we tripped the wires we would be gathered up in a net and hauled high into the trees for some cannibals to eat us for Easter dinner.

Since I didn't wish to become a main course, my thought was to leave it alone.

My husband however was more curious. He slowly lifted the first wire out of the water and stared at it in silent confusion.

Seeing as nothing major had happened to him, I decided to take a peek as well.

What I saw has left me scratching my head in wonderment.



Attached to the wire was one of these..



Not cooked, but RAW. WTF??

Looks like someone else was getting their leg wet.

The other wire held the same prize.

Well I guess if you're gonna get one leg wet, you might as well do the other.

Seriously though, why would someone do this?

Now as there were many picnics going on, I can only hope that the someone in question wasn't stupid enough to think that the cold creek water would be the perfect refrigeration system for their soon to be BBQ'd chicken.

If they were ... then well, that's just dumb with a capital D. The chicken may taste good going down, but man that Giardia they will surely contract later is bound to be a kick in the ass.



The only other plausible explanation would be that someone was fishing up the wrong river for Piranhas. However this being a California creek, and not the Amazon I kinda doubt it.




The thing is, I could sort of understand finding raw chicken floating down the creek after some child on a whim perhaps threw them in.

But these were intentionally tied to the bank so they wouldn't get lost. My only assumption is that someone was coming back later to claim them.

What the hell?

Anyone have any ideas??

We interupt this program

Oh my gosh! I found out some very shocking news today!

I realize this may be a bit late, seeing as I'm in California and everyone else is hours ahead (except Hawaii of course), but something happened today while I was eating lunch that I felt you should know about.

I hope it hasn't already happened, because of course I want to be the first to tell you!

If it has then I'm sorry, but I had to take a nap after work, and unfortunately I haven't quite figured out how to post breaking news while sleeping.

Anyhoo here we go:

The setting: Lunchtime at a random bagel shop near my work.



I was just waiting for my order to be ready when a fairly normal lady came rushing in to the bagel store.

She was very agitated and saying kept saying "OMYGOD!" "OMYGOD!" over and over again, while looking around in great panic.



Naturally I became alarmed.

What could possibly have happened to have her in such an frenzied state? Did she leave her wallet or keys behind? Perhaps her child?

Maybe she just eaten there and found out she had been poisoned!

Like any concerned citizen, instead of asking if she needed help, I chose to ignore her.

Bagel in hand I'm all ready to leave, but I really have to pee (I hate that!), so I quickly make my way over towards the bathroom.

That's when IT happened.

As the lady turned to make her way out of the store, she announced loudly to everyone that:

"Hillary Clinton is going to die today!!"



I know, I can't believe it either!!

Obviously I felt you should know.

Now that I have this information, what should I do with it? Should I tell someone? (Besides you good folks of course).

Unfortunately I don't know the proper etiquette on who to alert when one finds out that the former first lady, and the current presidential candidate is going to die.

I mean I'm sure the FBI or CIA would like this information right?

Then again, seeing as how this happened at lunch time, and I'm just getting around to posting about this now approximately 8 hours later; perhaps another, more civic minded patron of the bagel shop has been a better civilian then I, and already warned the appropriate people.

I hope so because I'm hungry now and I don't feel like waiting on the phone for an hour trying to get through the CIA's phone system.

Does this mean that I'm a bad person?


*Note: We will return to our regularly scheduled program tomorrow. Good nite everybody!*

Fire safety 101

I love living in the mountains especially my neighborhood! Not only is it beautiful we have some of the smartest people living here!




For instance as mountain folks we are all very wise when it comes to dealing with fire. Because we live in an especially fire hazardous area, one needs to take special precautions.



Therefore burning trash heaps in windy weather like today would be a no-no.

So it was with some concern when I noticed smoke and ash billowing into my yard and house this afternoon. Especially when I noticed that said smoke was coming from the house directly behind us!

Naturally I assumed their house was burning down, due to some unfortunate kitchen conflagration, or something similar in nature.

When I heard the fireman shout "Fire!" and Bad!" I knew things were serious.


OH! Those poor people I thought! How horrible to have your house burn down. I hope everyone is OK.


I decided to walk up the hill and see how things were going. I only made it halfway.

Their house wasn't on fire after all.

No. It was their yard. Why?

Because they burned their F&^%$#@ trash on a windy day!

I mean, I know it couldn't possibly be their fault, because as smart fire cautious people, they would know better than do something as stupid as that.



No, there is only one plausible explanation...

Obviously their trash spontaneously Combusted!! Imagine our poor neighbors being afflicted with this strange phenomenon for the 3rd time since we moved here. How unlucky!

I love my neighborhood!

Weirdness in the driver seat

So while at work the other day, I was busy surfing.. I mean working, when I found a forum about the strangest things people have seen while driving. The usuals were there, talking on cell phones, putting on makeup etc. Reading was another biggie. (wtf?) how do you read and drive? Outrageous.

Anyway reading the comments of course brought back a couple memories of my own.

Here are some of the weird things I've seen other people do while driving around..

1. Someone eating a steak. Which isn't too terribly weird I suppose if they were eating it with their hands and gnawing at it like a caveman. You know, because they were in a hurry and steak was handier at the time than a burger.

But no this person, actually had it on a plate, driving with their knees (I assume) and cutting it up with these,



Etiquette should never be ignored folks.

2. I once saw the Too Wong Foo car driving down Melrose Ave. in Hollywood, totally decked out and complete with three men in drag hooten, hollering, and dancing.


Too funny. I wish I could've gotten a picture.

3. Last but not least, my very favorite. A person driving with an IV bag hanging from the rear view mirror. I kid you not. I'm not sure if it was actually attached to the driver but I assume it was, because why else would it be hanging there? Perhaps some sort of medicinal beverage?




Does this mean fuzzy dice are out of fashion now? Damn!

What about you guys? What are some of the weird things you have witnessed people doing while driving?

Watch out for the squirrels..

Today I found a great website called Not Always Right. It's basically stories from various employees who have had a run in with the crazies.

As someone who has worked with clients for a very long time I totally appreciated this site. In some cases as we all know customers/clients can, and often do = stupid.

Whether or not this is sheer dumbness (in which case I suspect it's just a matter of time before social Darwinism catches up to them), or just a brain fart at that particular moment, we will never know, but it sure makes for some good reading. Because you know, stupidity can be hilarious at times.

Anyhoo, this got me to thinking about all the client interactions I have had over the years, and though I've encountered many folks of the lower IQ persuasion, there is one story in particular that stands out. Not because it was particularly stupid, although I guess that depends on how you look at it, but because of the sheer absurdity not to mention paranoia of this person.

I must also mention that I work at an animal hospital and as a technician I often have the job of answering client questions on the phone.

It goes like this:

Me: Thank you for calling _____________ this is Michele speaking, how can I help you?

Client: Um... Yeah... I was walking my dog in the park and I looked up at a tree, and a squirrel dropped an acorn in my eye.

Me: Uh huh...(Waiting for him to get to the part that relates to his dog)

Client: Well am I going to get rabies?

Me: (totally flabbergasted) Huh? Rabies? How so?

Client: Well, the squirrel dropped it into my eye. Will I get rabies?

Me: You want to know if you will get rabies from an acorn?

Client: The squirrel had it in his mouth, don't they carry rabies?

Me: I suppose they can, but it would be pretty unlikely especially in our area. We don't see rabies cases anymore, except maybe in bats.

Client: I was just wondering because if he had rabies, and he had the acorn in his mouth, before he dropped in on my eye, then I could get it too right?

Me: Let me ask you a question.

Client: Ok

(At this point I'm really trying hard not to laugh, and stay serious, especially since my co-workers around me have since stopped working and have been listening to the conversation with rapt interest).

Me: Sir, when the acorn hit you, were your eyes open?

Client? Ummm...I think so.

Me: Think about it, If something is falling at your face towards your eye, wouldn't you close your eyes as a natural instinct?

Client: Thoughtful silence.

At this point the call pretty much ended, with him, hopefully happy in the knowledge that he would indeed be rabies free.

I actually felt sort of sorry for him. You could tell he was really worried, and if I think about it real hard, I have to admit, I can sort of, kinda, see where his logic was coming from.

To date at least as far as I can remember, this has to be the most absurd question I have ever received. There are more absurd ones, asked to other employees, but that might be a topic for another post...

In the meantime watch out for these guys ,



And whatever you do, don't look up into trees with your eyes open..