Monday, March 31, 2008

Excuse me, your crazy is showing...

Well apparently the crazies crazy have gotten a hold of the phones again today. I'm guessing whoever's job it is to is supervise them, must have stepped out for smoke break thus leaving them unattended long enough to make phone calls.

Sensing a moment of freedom they must have all banded together through some sort of Special Secret Crazy People Network (SSCPN), and decided it would be a good idea to phone up my work and drive me insane. All in one day!

I do love my job, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I miss talking to the animals. Unlike their owners they don't talk back. All they ask is for a little love and attention.

They don't act like you should be able to read their mind, and then get mad at you when you ask a very simple but important question.

They don't call up to complain or accuse you of trying to rip them off when you try in vain to explain the reason why little fluffy who hasn't been examined in 5 years, needs to see the doctor before they prescribe any medication (yes heartworm and worm medication is a prescription), because believe it or not it's against the law not to.

They don't yell at you when the doctor is running late, or when things aren't going exactly the way they want, and then turn on the charm extra bright when the doctor walks in like nothing was the matter. Bastards. aqua teen hunger force

Oops was that out loud?

In short, they aren't rude or yell or get angry. Well not intentionally anyway. Sometimes they get all freaky on you, but that's only out of fear. You really can't blame them or get mad.

Only a few times have I ever had an animal freak the fuck out on me.

A few special episodes of cats flying around the exam room teeth and claws a gleaming the second you lay a hand on them. Little feline whirling dervishes, bouncing off the walls, hissing and spitting ready to take on the unlucky soul who's job it is to capture them which would be me of course.

When they finally calm down it looks like a tornado had come by, because during their little flight of fury they somehow managed to knock over every item that wasn't bolted down, including the computer.

But before these unfortunate incidents happened I swear the cats all looked just like this,


Then there was the bunny that attempted suicide by springing off the exam table out of it's owners arms only to hit the wall with a loud thud and then fall to the floor, somewhat dazed but amazingly unharmed.

Oh and how can I forget the ginormous dog little 'ol me was trying to restrain on a treatment table when he suddenly reared up and hit me square in the jaw, hard enough to throw me against the wall and damn near giving me a concussion. The best part was that he caused the doctor to miss his target while trying to give an injection Photobucket and ended up squirting me in the eye instead.

This was in the days before I wore glasses on a regular basis. And it is precisely why I won't switch to contacts. I like having my own little safety goggles and trust me I've had plenty of things squirted in my eyes (at work. I know what you're thinking) which reminds me of the time....

I was holding the back legs of another ginormous dog for an ultrasound, when he abruptly reached out and kicked me, thrusting his very dirty paws straight into my mouth. I wouldn't have been too concerned ( I know gross huh?) had I not just seen him moments before dancing in his urine.

Even then, I wouldn't have freaked out like I did, had it not been for the fact the he had a very dangerous, potentially fatal disease that can be transferred to humans. How is it transferred? By urine of course.

What did I do? Naturally I washed my mouth out with the Vodka we keep on hand for the antifreeze pets.


You know cause it's alcohol and alcohol disinfects right?

Honest. That's what they told me to do.

Incidentally pets that have antifreeze poisoning get a vodka IV for like 2 days straight. Yep they are feeling pretty good.

Then there was the time, the dog I was restraining, decided he was through with the procedure even if we weren't, and tried to leave the table, just at the precise moment the doctor was about to stick a needle in him to get a sample, but ended up biopsying my hand instead.

But my favorite by far, was a little tiny 4 pound one of these,


that had me and the male doctor I was working with backed up against the wall of the exam room absolutely terrified, because he was very definitely trying to kill us. Even at the time I had to laugh at the absurdity of it.

Ah good times.. Come to think of it I quite miss working with the little buggers, even if they are trying to kill me.

Honestly, I'd take them over the crazies any day. That says a lot don't you think?


theoffendedblogger said...

Haha! I may never leave my house again, there are crazy people and dogs lurking out there, I just know it!!

At least you got to drink some vodka at work, I mean how often does that happen? :p

Michael C said...

Wow. That is a lifetime of near misses in one post. Ironically, some of those very same things happen to me by humans when I was shopping last Christmas Eve.

Michele said...

OB- Crazy people are indeed everywhere, and I seem to be a magnet for them. It's always wise to be careful..

I certainly got teased about the vokda at work, but hey I was trying to save my life, you do what you got to do right :)

Michael- Yes Christmas Eve can be very dangerous, I always wear something akin to a suit of armor, before going into that battle. You might want to consider it for yourself..