Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Afraid To Paint

So this week, I've done nothing about my time management issues.  I managed to get caught up on the Flying Lessons class last week, and was pretty proud of myself for that, only to fall seriously behind again this week.

Then I saw the A-Team over the weekend, and well that prompted a serious bout of nostalgia, which meant of course I needed to watch re-runs all night on Hulu.  

On Monday, I spent nearly 3 hours agonizing over the best feed reader to use, in order to read my blogs.  That whole project initially started as a way to save time. Yet, quickly became the complete opposite.

What I really really wanted was something like Tweetdeck to read blogs in.  No such thing exists, so I settled on Bloglines, which is working out fairly well.  It does indeed save me time, and it is really nice to see at a glace who has updated their blogs all in one spot. Though, I think Tweetdeck should do us all a favor, and add blogger and Typepad etc. to their list of social networking sites. 

And of course, I'm still busy keeping up with all the tweets, FB updates, blogs etc. of all the new artists I've met, and have been having a great time.  The only snag is, I haven't done much art.  Oh I've been in the studio.  Once or twice.   I've looked around a bit, sat in the chair, got on the computer to print a few things, only to be distracted by itunes looking up songs from The Andy Griffith Show, (yes it was that important that I downloaded the Crawdad Song), picking up supplies, and moving them around, staring at the walls... well you get the picture.  I didn't do squat. 

I had a bunch of excuses as to why I couldn't finish the half dozen or so paintings that I've started.  None of them very good.

The only thing I've really done is make yet another background, which is the picture you see above.  I seem to be specializing in those lately.  Part of the reason is I'm busy using my time in not the smartest of ways, part of it is I've been gone a lot, and the other part is, well probably the biggest part, is because believe it or not, I'm afraid to finish the paintings. 

Does that make sense?  I'm actually scared of my own art.  You see each background I do, I have a plan for.  I know exactly what I want on it for the most part, but I'm afraid to start that part of the process because I'm afraid I'll mess it up.  I seem to moving into a new direction, and I am wanting and trying to draw and paint more in my work.

So the collages, I'm working on require me to draw the subject, and then paint them, and that worries me, because I feel I'm not good enough yet to try doing that.  I'm worried that it won't come out the way I see it in my mind. 

I'm feeling a lot of the things we've talked about in class too.  Mainly, who do I think I am to think others will be interested in my art? and Will I be able to make enough money to make art my career? ( I've been on disability for the last six months, so I'm using this time to see if I can start a creative business, hoping that I can a least contribute to a few household bills again.)

It's true I'm feeling intimidated (and inspired!!) by a lot of the wonderful art I'm seeing out there, and I know I've read on other blogs, some of you are feeling the same way.  It's a nasty thing being intimidated, but like Kelly says, we need to be true to ourselves.  Put ourselves into our art and into our blogs etc. Well I'm putting myself out there for you all to see.  Hope I don't scare you off.  :)  But the honest truth is I am afraid.   This creative journey can be crazy scary, frustrating, overwhelming etc. BUT it is also exciting.  And most of the time, it is the exciting bit I am concentrating on.  But for now, I'm letting the fear in, acknowledging it, and hopefully waving good-bye to it very soon!   


Jo said...

I'm here with you hunnie! Can relate 100% with everything here - you could easily be writing about me. But from what dear Kelly keeps telling us, the fear 'gremlins' are only shouting out because we're getting nearer to achieving what our creative souls desire.
What challenged me yesterday on the comments, was a lady who wrote that we should concentrate on achieving just ONE tiny little thing ie not to finish a painting but maybe to do a practice sketch first or paint in one section. Whatever its justs just one itty-bitty start that we can achieve.
Go girl! Huge hugs Jo xx

Rebecca Anthony said...

Oh I think you have some serious talent. I'm with you when it comes to believing we can actually make a living with our art. That would be a dream, I'm not there yet! My husband always says you are the hardest working woman for no money. Its true, I make art everyday of my life with the VERY occasional sale. That's why we call ourselves starving artists. Some people have that business savvy side to them as well.....not me)O: Oh well at least we enjoy what we do right(O: Keep creating your work in amazing!!!

risa said...

I think Monday's (or Tuesday's?) post over at Flying Lessons helped me feel a little bit more normal about feeling like no matter how much time I spend at the studio I don't feel like I get anything done! There's always too many works in progress!

Hang in there! Love the colors of the painting you shared!

Pam Tucker said...

You could have been inside my head when you wrote this blog post, Michele. I've had a special project all ready to go but can't get started out of that crazy fear that it won't turn out just perfect. I've never done that type of art before and for some reason am paralyzed by fear to give it a go. Grrr. You are definitely NOT alone in this stage.

And, btw, thanks for the info on the 3 column blogger. You're way ahead of me on that one. That's another thing I have to tackle yet...

Hang in there. We will all make it through these things. This is just part of the journey. Glad to have you along to help talk it through with! ;)

marsha anderson said...

I am cracking up from the beginning of your post! I spent about 3 hours yesterday searching for productivity applications to use on my son's ipad while he is away at camp for a month. Not very productive. After I found one I liked, I just looked at it...couldn't quite figure out why I needed it in the first place. Then I played Scrabble for another hour or two!!!!
Last month I was given a wonderful gift of a personal life coach. Great gift for an artist like me. If you'd like, I can email you some of her work that she shares. This morning I was watching a video she sent me about a speech that Elizabeth Gilbert gave. (Eat, Pray, Love.) Watch it and let me know what you think.
Thanks for your blog. One day I'll get off my ass and start my own.

Renée Rothman said...

I have exactly the same feelings of intimidation that you have, mine over my writing. Who cares what I have to say? I'm so afraid people will be critical. I have a book in my head and pieces of it on paper but I can't see the whole picture yet. Somedays, I avoid writing by wandering about the apartment or taking on a big cleaning project (which only makes more of a mess). But I try to write something everyday, good or bad, useful or useless, just for the discipline.

Sung-Hee (Regina) Hong said...

Just to let you know that I'm also here to support you, Michele ! I can recognize your ART anywhere I see because it's got YOU in it. I'm serious.. Your ARTs have YOU in it and that's how I keep connecting with you =)
Every single step and creation is worthy and necessary. When I'm afraid I would mess up a painting, I tell myself "This painting is going to be fabulous" about 100 times.. and when I feel comfortable enough, I begin painting.. sort of like hypnotizing myself ;0)
I hope this comment doesn't take away your time from painting !! xoxo

chrissy said...

LOOOOOVE your honesty. i felt the exact same way this week and blogged about it as well. kelly rae.s class is i wanted to share something she taught me last october..."THERE ARE NO MISTAKES" at first that sounds stupid and i looked at her like.."whatever! not for you maybe!" but as i have put that into my art, whatever it may be, it takes the pressure off and allows the creativity to go where it should. does that make sense?
i KNOW you can finish that piece and it will be EXACTLY what it was meant to be.

Michele said...

Thank you so much Chrissy! I love the idea that there aren't any mistakes. What a wonderful thing to say. I'm am going to think it today while I paint. :) Thanks for your support!

Dana Barbieri said...

This post is exactly the what has been running around in my head. I glad I read this because now I know I am not alone. I keep starting and messing up and starting again and now I am afraid to finish. yikes. I hope this all passes soon for everyone!

thekathrynwheel said...

Ooh I SO hear what you are saying here. But your paintings are beautiful, vibrant and colourful :-)