Detour Ahead...

As you may know, a couple of years ago I moved up to the mountains.

Unfortunately when I moved, my job didn't come with me. I wish! Since I prefer to live indoors, it is a necessity that I work.

Now in order for me to get to work, I need to travel over the hill and through the woods into the land of traffic. On a good day, Sunday for instance when the roads are clear, my drive is only about 45 minutes. With traffic however ... it could take months.

This brings up an important topic that I wish to address. Roadwork!



Please. Is it really necessary to begin working on the roadways during commute hours? Specifically at 7:30 in the morning when I happen to be making my way to work?

For the love of god! Surely you must realize that this the most hectic commute time of the day? And that by starting emergency surgery on that pothole that has been in the road for 3 years, you are not helping the traffic situation one bit.



No I can't get up earlier to make allowances for delays. I was up late last night blogging and certainly can't be bothered to get up any sooner than the I already do!

I think you will agree that as a taxpayer I am technically paying a portion of your salary. Therefore, you are in a sense working for me.

Now as your employer, I would like to look into fixing this little problem.

Perhaps you reside in a cave and haven't noticed that a large majority of people commute to work in the mornings. As there is enough congestion and road rage just getting to work on a normal day, I am somewhat mystified that roadwork would be started during this very busy time.

If this is your idea of a joke ...



I assure you, I am not amused.

Thankfully I have a solution which I think will benefit us both. It's a novel idea really. I'm surprised you haven't thought of it!

Why not start working at say, 10:00 a.m. instead? Not only will you be able to sleep in, but it will help alleviate aggression towards other commuters when Idiots people slow down to gawk at your bright orange trucks.

Take this morning for instance. I am normally a calm, rational person. Naturally I was shocked to find myself leaning out my window yelling, "Get a move on, you stupid asswipe!" to the car in front of me.

Yes I know orange is a pretty color! I like it too. Some of us however need to get to work TODAY and can't be bothered to slow down for the cone zone.


I mean honestly, I'm sure the workmen will kindly move out of the way as I go speeding past.

By starting at 10:00, this will allow ample time for the morning commuters to arrive at their destinations stress free and in a timely fashion.

If anyone is on the roads after 10:00, I figure they must be unemployed, and therefore surely wouldn't mind sitting in your traffic, as they have nowhere important to be.

Really it's a win win situation.

So you may not get paid for as many hours in a day as you used to. And maybe you need to take a second job in order to pay your mortgage every month. But just think how happy it will make me not to be sitting at a standstill behind miles of cars that should by all rights be moving!

Obviously I'll be thinking of you sleeping soundly in your bed, as I sail along on my way to work at 7:30 in the effing morning!!

Fire safety 101

I love living in the mountains especially my neighborhood! Not only is it beautiful we have some of the smartest people living here!




For instance as mountain folks we are all very wise when it comes to dealing with fire. Because we live in an especially fire hazardous area, one needs to take special precautions.



Therefore burning trash heaps in windy weather like today would be a no-no.

So it was with some concern when I noticed smoke and ash billowing into my yard and house this afternoon. Especially when I noticed that said smoke was coming from the house directly behind us!

Naturally I assumed their house was burning down, due to some unfortunate kitchen conflagration, or something similar in nature.

When I heard the fireman shout "Fire!" and Bad!" I knew things were serious.


OH! Those poor people I thought! How horrible to have your house burn down. I hope everyone is OK.


I decided to walk up the hill and see how things were going. I only made it halfway.

Their house wasn't on fire after all.

No. It was their yard. Why?

Because they burned their F&^%$#@ trash on a windy day!

I mean, I know it couldn't possibly be their fault, because as smart fire cautious people, they would know better than do something as stupid as that.



No, there is only one plausible explanation...

Obviously their trash spontaneously Combusted!! Imagine our poor neighbors being afflicted with this strange phenomenon for the 3rd time since we moved here. How unlucky!

I love my neighborhood!