How Danny Thomas Almost Killed Me ...

Well OK, it wasn't actually the actor, but the Danny Thomas party rental truck. It just sounded so much more interesting to say it was Danny Thomas don't you think?

Anyway, here's what happened.

I was driving through the park one day... oh wait, no.. I was driving through the mountains on my way home.

Normally this isn't cause for concern. However, today I was driving my husbands wife killing contraption car, which is always a cause for caution when I'm on the roads.

You see, his car is a stick shift.



I do not do the whole clutch, shifting gears thing. They are dangerous devices and should be outlawed!!

Ever since I was 15 and took my first driving lesson in one, I've hated them. The lesson started out innocently enough. In the beginning I did pretty good, tootling around the hills of my neighborhood having a jolly time.

At the end of the lesson however, I needed to make a stop. There I was, the first one stopped at a light to turn left.

3 miles of cars were behind me waiting their turn.

Can you guess what happened?

Yep. I stalled the car. Not once. Not twice. But 5 times! This meant all 3 miles of cars, myself included missed the light 5 times. Much honking and swearing ensued. Needless to say I was traumatized. Beyond repair. I NEVER drove a stick again.

Until ...

I married a man who insists that sticks are the only way to go. Ugh.

He's been very sweet about this phobia of mine, and even tried to teach me again how to drive his car. Which I'm proud to say I'm really good at!

Unless I need to stop.

Our first year together we took a road trip to Seattle. Since we took his car, he did most of the driving. Well one day in a fit of extreme insanity generosity I offered to do some of the driving so he could rest.

At the time it didn't seem like a big deal, as we were driving on a flat road going through some mountain valley.

Well, good things come to an end, and we came upon a little town with one stoplight. Of course the light turned red, just as I approached. And yes I was the first one again, with cars behind me.

Naturally I stalled the car, several times. Once I stopped crying we finally got going, I was immediately pulled over by a cop.



He thought I was drunk! Meekly I explained that no I haven't been drinking kind sir, I just don't know how to drive this F%$#@!* stick shift.

He let me go.

So today I'm driving his car again, because mine, the Black Beast may he rest in peace,



disintegrated while I was driving to the grocery store one day. Poor thing it held on as long as it could. It just gave a final chug as I drove across the intersection and then expired. I'm hoping someday to resurrect him, but until then it's my husbands car for me.

Okay, so I got a little off track, but you needed that background information to understand my fear of the manual transmission right? Just say yes, ok?

Anyhoo, back to Danny Thomas ...

So I'm driving home up the hill, when I approach a line of cars, led by the Danny Thomas Party Rental truck. Judging from the angry noises issuing from under the hood, that perhaps 4th gear may be just a tad high for the slow pace I was now going, I went to shift into 2nd gear. That's when all hell broke loose.

I don't know what the F%$# I did, but one thing I did NOT do was shift into 2nd. Instead, the car started to do the death chug, to combat this, I stepped on gas harder so It wouldn't stall. Uh.. Right..

Now I have to stop here and say, that I was on a hill roughly as steep as Lombard Street in San Francisco. If you are unfamiliar with that particular road, just imagine a street that goes straight up to the sky and that's Lombard.

So here I am fighting with this car to keep going and of course it stalls. Right in the middle of the road!

Naturally I panicked. I restarted and stalled. Restarted and rolled down the hill, then stalled. All the time keeping in mind that at any second a car can come whizzing around the corner as they are wont to do in the mountains, and ram right into me.

Since the hill was so steep, every time I tried again, the car would roll backwards, causing me to panic more. Finally after using the emergency brake and some fancy footwork, after the 4th attempt I got it going and made it home safe and sound.

And thank god, because if I had been hit from behind, Danny Thomas,




would have a lot to answer for!!

Raindrops on roses..

I realize I haven't posted in almost a week now, but I have a good excuse. Really.

Well ... sort of.

You see, I actually have a life outside the blogosphere. Well OK, that's actually untrue, but play along with me on this one okay?

Anyhoo, One day, in a fit of energy, I accidentally unleashed something that I haven't seen or dealt with in quite awhile. Can you guess what it is?

Go on, I'll give you a minute..

Got it?


NO?

Well alright I'll show you.

But if you are of the squeamish persuasion you might want to scroll past this really quick to the next section.

OK ready? Look closely now, but be very quiet. I don't want to scare it away...

Here it is ...











Yep that's right.

I found Snoopy drawing Woodstock, while I was cleaning out the hall closet. I find him like that every few years lurking around dark dirty corners of my house. He usually resurfaces when I go on a big cleaning spree ...

What??

Gosh I can't understand why you don't believe me!

Honestly. My feelings are really hurt. I may never blog again. I bet you feel bad now don't you?

NO?

Damn!



Well alright, it is actually my inner artist. I totally thought I'd lost it. But In a rare moment I was actually able to capture a picture of it, so I could prove that it still exists. Pretty amazing huh?

If you ask nicely and promise not to laugh, I might show you what I'm working on in a future post.

In the meantime, I'll entertain you with a few of my favorite annoying things that have happened this past week. Some if not all may or may not have happened today.

1. When a pile of dirt loosely resembling one of your cats, comes tearing through the house, the second AFTER you have just mopped, swept, and vacuumed. And then proceeds to lie around on every available surface spreading even more muck around.



2. When your husband decides that crunchy Cheetos in the very noisy bag is the perfect snack to eat, while you are trying to take a much needed nap on the couch.



3. When you decide to make the 30 minute trek over the hill, to go to the nearest art store, only to find that 3/4 of the way there, the road is closed. Causing you to turn around, go back the way you came and all the way around the mountain resulting in an extra hour of travel time, just to get a tube of paint and a bottle of glitter.



Bonus: When you get back home, and then don't feel like working on painting, making that whole trip to the art store completely worthless.

Even better, is the fact that you could have just waited until the next day, when you would be at work, in very close proximity to said art store, and could have picked up supplies on your way home.

And last but certainly not least,

4. When one of the five cats you own decides that peeing in the appropriate places that he's gone all his life, i.e. outside or the litter box, is no longer good enough, and instead pees willy nilly wherever he damn well pleases. Including but not limited to:

Your bed 3 times, resulting in 3 different comforter washings,
Your purse,
Your car registration papers,
The stove,
And ...
Yours truly. 3 different times. Once In the face.

Bonus, when said cat has been taken to the vet to rule out medical reasons for this behavior and none is found, resulting in the terrible realization that peeing around the house is actually his choice, and now you have a very difficult behavior problem to deal with.

Even better? When a different cat gets wind of what's going on, and decides to pee all over your husbands circuit boards he's building for work.

Ah yes. Good times

Detour Ahead...

As you may know, a couple of years ago I moved up to the mountains.

Unfortunately when I moved, my job didn't come with me. I wish! Since I prefer to live indoors, it is a necessity that I work.

Now in order for me to get to work, I need to travel over the hill and through the woods into the land of traffic. On a good day, Sunday for instance when the roads are clear, my drive is only about 45 minutes. With traffic however ... it could take months.

This brings up an important topic that I wish to address. Roadwork!



Please. Is it really necessary to begin working on the roadways during commute hours? Specifically at 7:30 in the morning when I happen to be making my way to work?

For the love of god! Surely you must realize that this the most hectic commute time of the day? And that by starting emergency surgery on that pothole that has been in the road for 3 years, you are not helping the traffic situation one bit.



No I can't get up earlier to make allowances for delays. I was up late last night blogging and certainly can't be bothered to get up any sooner than the I already do!

I think you will agree that as a taxpayer I am technically paying a portion of your salary. Therefore, you are in a sense working for me.

Now as your employer, I would like to look into fixing this little problem.

Perhaps you reside in a cave and haven't noticed that a large majority of people commute to work in the mornings. As there is enough congestion and road rage just getting to work on a normal day, I am somewhat mystified that roadwork would be started during this very busy time.

If this is your idea of a joke ...



I assure you, I am not amused.

Thankfully I have a solution which I think will benefit us both. It's a novel idea really. I'm surprised you haven't thought of it!

Why not start working at say, 10:00 a.m. instead? Not only will you be able to sleep in, but it will help alleviate aggression towards other commuters when Idiots people slow down to gawk at your bright orange trucks.

Take this morning for instance. I am normally a calm, rational person. Naturally I was shocked to find myself leaning out my window yelling, "Get a move on, you stupid asswipe!" to the car in front of me.

Yes I know orange is a pretty color! I like it too. Some of us however need to get to work TODAY and can't be bothered to slow down for the cone zone.


I mean honestly, I'm sure the workmen will kindly move out of the way as I go speeding past.

By starting at 10:00, this will allow ample time for the morning commuters to arrive at their destinations stress free and in a timely fashion.

If anyone is on the roads after 10:00, I figure they must be unemployed, and therefore surely wouldn't mind sitting in your traffic, as they have nowhere important to be.

Really it's a win win situation.

So you may not get paid for as many hours in a day as you used to. And maybe you need to take a second job in order to pay your mortgage every month. But just think how happy it will make me not to be sitting at a standstill behind miles of cars that should by all rights be moving!

Obviously I'll be thinking of you sleeping soundly in your bed, as I sail along on my way to work at 7:30 in the effing morning!!

Fire safety 101

I love living in the mountains especially my neighborhood! Not only is it beautiful we have some of the smartest people living here!




For instance as mountain folks we are all very wise when it comes to dealing with fire. Because we live in an especially fire hazardous area, one needs to take special precautions.



Therefore burning trash heaps in windy weather like today would be a no-no.

So it was with some concern when I noticed smoke and ash billowing into my yard and house this afternoon. Especially when I noticed that said smoke was coming from the house directly behind us!

Naturally I assumed their house was burning down, due to some unfortunate kitchen conflagration, or something similar in nature.

When I heard the fireman shout "Fire!" and Bad!" I knew things were serious.


OH! Those poor people I thought! How horrible to have your house burn down. I hope everyone is OK.


I decided to walk up the hill and see how things were going. I only made it halfway.

Their house wasn't on fire after all.

No. It was their yard. Why?

Because they burned their F&^%$#@ trash on a windy day!

I mean, I know it couldn't possibly be their fault, because as smart fire cautious people, they would know better than do something as stupid as that.



No, there is only one plausible explanation...

Obviously their trash spontaneously Combusted!! Imagine our poor neighbors being afflicted with this strange phenomenon for the 3rd time since we moved here. How unlucky!

I love my neighborhood!

Monday ramblings, and the Princes of England

Happy monday everyone! Technically it's my tuesday, but who's counting?

Anyhoo, I'm sitting here at work, and I guess I'm a little bored, cause the only excitement I have is noticing my co-workers bathroom habits. Yes it's that kind of day.

I have a new job position that requires me to sit in very close proximity to the restrooms. Not exactly pleasant, but I won't gross you out with details.

Interestingly the kitchen is right next door. This is good when I want a snack, but very bad when I'm accosted with intermingling odors from both arenas fighting for superiority.

Since I've had this new position, I've accidently begun to notice, how often some people need to take care of business.

I thought I had the worlds smallest bladder, but apparently not.

I'm beginning to get concerned about a few of the folks here, their daily treks to the water closet are reaching astronomical numbers.

Then again maybe they are bored too...

In other news....

It's come to my attention that Prince William is now being considered for war duty. This strikes me as odd.

I mean why would the British government want to send over William when they just pulled out Harry the day before?

If Harry's involment in the war was deemed too dangerous for a prince, wouldn't that also be true for his older brother, who is second in line to the throne?

Another thing is Harry's deployment was kept secret from the press, so his life would be in less danger. As soon as the story leaked he was yanked out that day.

However, the press is all abuzz about William going over on some warship, why not keep that a secret too?

Is it just me, or does this not make sense? Will he really go over? Or is this a publicity stunt? Something to make him look good, now that Harry got all the attention of being a war hero? Just speculating people...

Prince Harry comes back home

Just read the article.

I have to say that was quick stint. But not surprising. I didn't think the British Government would want him fooling around with weapons and war for too long.

War is dangerous enough for regular people, put a Prince out there and it's amazing he wasn't assassinated straight away.

Still though, he fought for his country as long as he could. Good for him. (See I'm less cynical today). :)

Justine Timberlake gyrates in a speedo?

Umm....

Can I just say, Ick.

Justine Timberlake? Ewww.

Speedo? Yuck.

Add the two together?

Scary.

Just my two cents..

If you are curious, you can see a snippet in the trailer for his new movie The Love Guru below...

I'm actually going to have to see this movie as it stars Mike Meyers and looks pretty funny.

Prince Harry fighting in Afghanistan?

Umm....I'm not so sure. I know this sounds positively cynical, but come on people. Do you really think his royal highness is out there brandishing a machine gun (or whatever weapon they give) and fighting the front lines like the articles claim? The heir to the royal British throne? Well third on the list but still. He's a successor. Seems strange he'd be allowed to join the military to fight, what with the potential of dying and all.

Personally, I just wonder if it's all show. You know like a publicity stunt. A way to keep up his image. He has to do that once in awhile. Throw a few bones out to the public, make him look good. Dress him up in uniform, take a few pictures in Afghanistan to make it look authentic. Whatever it takes. You don't have to have seen Wag the Dog, to know how easy it is for the media to fool the public.

However, I do realize he is from Britain and not America, so maybe they have a higher sense of duty and obligation towards their country than our own government does, and actually believe it's an honor to fight for their country and risk dying.

I don't support the war, however if the Prince is out there fighting for us, then I have to hand it to him, because you can bet we would never see one of our government leaders out on the front lines fighting for America. Which is especially ironic, since they started the damn war in the first place. But I digress...

So, Prince Harry if you're out there fighting in this terrible war, and I say this will all honesty, I thank you for your bravery, and applaud your integrity!

Starbucks closing causes concern...

I've been seeing this headline for 2 days now. They are closing for like 3 hours. Hardly newsworthy.

I love Starbucks as much as the next person, but I'm not going to cry into my hot chocolate over this headline.

People? Maybe you have forgotten seeing as there is a Starbucks literally on every corner, but...

THERE ARE OTHER COFFEE SHOPS. GET OVER IT.

Wal Mart to offer Medical Services?

It's true I just read an article saying that Wal Mart plans to put walk-in medical clinics in their stores. That's right pretty soon, you can get your very own Mc-checkup at your nearest Wal Mart location.

Hmm... I don't know what to think about this. For me it's kind of a scary thought. I mean going to the doctor while shopping at Wal Mart? A store that is known for their cheap products and shifty labor conditions. It just doesn't sound right. I'm afraid the medical services they offer would equal that of their products, i.e. low quality. Although I do frequent the store myself, because I'm not above buying low quality rugs for my bathroom etc. I just don't want to compromise my health care. Apparently Wal Mart is affiliated with certain hospitals, but still you have to wonder about the medical professional who feels it's ok to offer their services at a discount store.

On the other hand I suppose this could be a good thing. Especially if their services are cheap/affordable (but still of good quality), then it might be nice for the people who don't have medical insurance or even the elderly. Especially when getting around may be a problem and they could shop for their weekly needs and get a checkup at the same place. If one had to choose between not being able to afford regular medical care and a Wal Mart clinic who's services were within your budget, than I could see where that would work out.

Still it's a strange world we live in, when you can pick up kitty litter and get your bladder infection checked out all at the same store.

Very strange indeed.